I think someone I care about is in an unhealthy relationship.
The Dilemma of Watching Someone You Love Struggle
Supporting someone who’s struggling in their relationship or after a break up can be confusing. You want to help but don’t know how to do it without making things worse. You might feel torn between saying something and staying quiet, between being honest and being kind. That tension is normal and it’s exactly what this journey is here to help you navigate.
This isn’t about rescuing anyone or deciding what’s best for them. It’s about learning how to support someone you care about while staying grounded in your own clarity and integrity—meaning you’re honest about what you see, but you stay compassionate enough that they don’t feel judged or pushed.
The Science of What Keeps People Stuck
People don’t stay stuck because they’re weak or blind. They stay because something in them believes it’s safer, easier, or less painful than leaving. Their nervous system, their past experiences, and the world around them all play a role in convincing them that staying quiet, compliant, or hopeful is the best way to cope.
When you see someone you care about in pain, it’s easy to think they just need to “wake up” or “see the truth.” But from the inside, it rarely feels that simple because knowing the truth isn’t the same as feeling it. Your friend might be scared, ashamed, or convinced they’re the problem. They might be trying to protect someone, avoid judgment, or keep from losing everything they’ve built and the future they envisioned. What looks like denial from the outside can feel like self-preservation on the inside.
To support them well, you need to understand what’s happening beneath the surface, the emotional and physiological patterns shaping how they think, feel, and act. Those patterns often override logic, which means your perspective and theirs are coming from two completely different places.
You can see things they can’t, and they feeling things you aren’t. This is important to remember, as recognizing that difference will help you navigate the situation without making them feel judged or dismissed.
This journey will help you see what’s really keeping them stuck, and how to meet them there
Understanding What They’re Up Against
Before you can figure out how to help, you need to understand what they’re dealing with. When someone stays in a relationship that’s harmful or unhealthy, it’s usually not because they’re obsessed, delusional, or blind. In childhood, the nervous system can get wired in ways that create emotional reactions that feel extremely real but aren’t always accurate or helpful.
A common example is when love and fear get fused. When that happens, love activates the same response as danger. Their nervous system goes into panic mode, focused only on survival. From the outside it looks irrational; from the inside, the fear is overwhelming.
Love can also get fused with pain. Their system learns to confuse suffering with connection. Even when they know their partner is hurting them, breaking the attachment feels unbearable, and the bond may even get stronger. It doesn’t make sense from the outside, but it’s very real for them.
Another wiring issue happens when accountability triggers shame instead of healthy guilt. Most people feel guilty or embarrassed when they’re called out. But for some, accountability feels like humiliation. Denial or avoidance becomes the only thing that feels safe, even when it makes things worse. It’s maddening to witness, but it isn’t intentional.
Regardless of the details, relationship decisions are deeply tied to the nervous system. When you’re supporting a friend, your system is not entangled and therefore it’s probably pretty calm. Theirs isn’t. You get to be rational; they don’t. That difference matters.
This is why the way you respond has such an impact. You can make them feel seen by validating their experience, or you can accidentally make them feel more alone by minimizing what they’re going through or telling them they’ll “find someone better.” The urge to fix is human. But most people don’t want to be fixed—they want to be understood.
*Note: The system responds the same way to physical abuse; the intensity just scales with the level of harm. If you ever suspect physical abuse, be gentle. Avoid judgment or “If I were you…” comments. Don’t tell them to leave—this is often when danger escalates. Encourage professional support without pressure.
You don’t need to steer the conversation or find the perfect words. Most of the time, they’re not looking for an answer, they’re looking for a place to be honest. Your job is to be a steady sounding board, sometimes for the same thing again and again. The goal isn’t to move them faster toward clarity; it’s to give them a safe enough space to find it on their own.
Good support means validating their experience, truly listening, and being cautious and intentional if you choose to give advice. Your job isn’t to solve their problem; it’s to help them feel less alone in it.
Emotional Support 101
Being supportive isn’t about giving your friend solutions or lifting their spirits. It’s about holding space for them to fall apart and making sure they feel heard. You don’t need to have answers or offer fixes—in most cases, that’s exactly what you shouldn’t do.
Here are 4 things you can do to better support someone who is currently in or coming out of an unhealthy relationship.
1. Validate, Validate, Validate!
Validation is the foundation of good support. It’s not about agreeing with someone, it’s about showing that what they feel makes sense, even if you don’t agree with it. Validation says, “You’re allowed to feel this way. I see it. I get that it hurts.” You’re not validating the facts; you’re validating their experience.
You don’t even need to understand the whole situation to validate the emotion. Simple statements like, “That sounds awful,” “I can see how much that hurts,” or “That would make anyone angry,” go much farther than people think. They tell the other person it’s okay to feel what they feel.
What isn’t validating are the things that sound comforting but actually minimize their pain. Lines like “Every relationship has problems,” “But you guys are so good together,” or “You’re probably overthinking this” don’t land the way you intend. After a breakup, phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “Someone better is right around the corner” can make them feel like they shouldn’t be struggling, that they’re supposed to look on the bright side and move on. It’s dismissive of their experience and pain.
What most people don’t realize is that those phrases aren’t for the person suffering, they’re for you. Silence feels awkward. Not knowing what to say feels like you’re failing as a friend. So you reach for something positive, helpful, or empowering. But that’s about easing your discomfort, not supporting them. They don’t need to be cheered up, they need to be heard.
Also, not everyone feels or expresses emotions the way you do. Don’t dispute what they feel just because it’s not how you think they should feel.
Validate all emotions—anger, shame, confusion, disillusionment. You can say things like “It’s not your fault, though I get why it might feel that way” or “Anyone in this situation would feel the same.”
And remember: emotional abuse builds slowly. Not over days, but months or even years. It’s made up of a thousand tiny moments that chip away at someone tiny piece by tiny piece. If your friend is upset about something that sounds minor or petty, don’t brush it off. Get curious: “Has this happened before?” “How long have you been feeling this way?”
The single event is rarely the point, it’s the cumulative impact that matters.
The bottom line: if you want to be a supportive friend, start by validating what they’re going through. Trying to fix it or cheer them up usually backfires—and often leaves them feeling even more alone.
Want to review some examples? Click the “Don’t say” boxes below to reveal what you could say instead.
2. Shut Up and Listen!
Most people think being a good friend means saying the right thing or helping someone solve their problems. It doesn’t. Most of the time, listening is the best thing you can do. When someone’s in pain, confused, or trying to make sense of an unhealthy relationship, they don’t need your words, they need your presence.
It’s hard to sit with someone’s pain without trying to fix it. Silence feels awkward. You start to worry that you’re being a bad friend by not offering advice or solutions. You’re not. Listening gives them space to hear themselves think, untangle what’s real from what they’ve been conditioned to believe, or just to let it out.
They don’t need you to make the suffering go away; they need someone who won’t disappear when it shows up.
You don’t have to fill every pause. They may talk in circles, repeat themselves, ask the same questions, or contradict something they said before. That’s normal. Repetition is how the brain processes things that don’t make sense yet.
The more they feel heard, the less looping they’ll need to do. The more they feel dismissed or invalidated, the more they’ll likely they are to bring it up again, hoping this time, someone will finally hear them.
Your job isn’t to make their pain make sense.
Your job is to give them space and safety so that they can.
Some Listening Tips
Understand that listening isn’t passive. It’s responding to what’s in front of you: Nod. Wince. Say things like “That sucks,” “Oh man,” “Ugh,” and “That’s so frustrating.” Tiny reactions let them know you’re actually there.
Don’t interrupt. Don’t redirect. Don’t look at your phone. Stay present and ask open ended questions. But if they seem annoyed or they say “just listen,” then stop asking and just listen.
If something they say reminds you of your own experience, don’t hijack the conversation. Fight the urge to chime in, as it often interrupts them in a way that feels like you’re pulling the focus to you. If you must, a brief, “I went through something similar once, I remember how confusing it was,” is ok. A five minute story about your last breakup is not. Keep the spotlight on their experience, not yours.
Let them cry. Let them be angry. Let them say the same thing seven times. People often apologize for breaking down, repeating themselves, or crying—but don’t accept the apology. Tell them they don’t need to apologize for being human.
When emotions are high, the ability to think logically goes down and facts get blurry
When emotions have cooled, logical thinking becomes easier and facts get a little clearer.
Unless they’re in danger or truly spiraling out of control, you don’t need to calm them down or make them “see reason.” People need to feel and be heard before they’ll be able to think.
Consider a teenager coming home one night drunk. The parents might want yell, lecture, or want to talk, but nothing productive will happen until the kid sobers up.
Same principle applies here. When someone is emotionally flooded, logic won’t land. Your lectures won’t be heard. They won’t “snap out of it.” You just have to wait and give them space to unravel.
Stay close and let the emotional wave come down on its own. Emotional sobriety takes a lot longer than sobering up from drinking, but it does come eventually.
How Else Can I Listen?
Listening can take a lot of forms. It’s staying on the phone while they cry or coming over just to hang out, watch a movie, or even say nothing at all.
It’s leaning in a little more than usual and taking the lead on staying connected. Like sending a random text when they go quiet.
When they pull back, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want space. It might mean they’re too weighed down to reach out or scared of feeling like a burden. Don’t give them the chance to feel that way, keep going to them.
Listening is showing up, consistently and quietly, in a way that reminds them they’re not alone. In the moments where they’re falling apart, the most supportive thing you can say is often nothing at all.
3. Some Advice on Giving Advice
When someone you care about is stuck in an unhealthy relationship, it’s easy to think the right advice will help them heal and move one. It probably won’t. Not because you’re wrong, but because advice works very differently than people think.
Why Advice Tends to Backfire
Receiving advice from a friend can feel more like control than guidance. Even if you mean it kindly, it can come across condescending, like you’re saying, “You don’t know what you’re doing, so I'll tell you what to do.”
When someone already feels powerless in their relationship, that can hit a nerve. They don’t want to lose any more of their agency, even to a well-intentioned friend. So instead of hearing support, they often feel pressured and talked down to.
That pressure kicks their nervous system into protect-my-choice mode. They might react by defending the relationship harder, defending their decisions harder, or doing the opposite of what you suggested just to stay in control of their own life. It’s not stubbornness; it’s self-preservation. And it’s often done unconsciously. This is why even the best advice can actually push someone in the wrong direction.
In a nutshell: Advice tends to make people defend their own choices. People tend to reject being told what to do, even if they actually agree with you. They're not being difficult, they're trying to hold onto whatever control they have left. That’s very normal and very human.
What Not to Do When You’re Trying to Help
When someone you care about is struggling, it’s natural to want to cheer them up or give them solutions. But certain approaches can make things worse, even if you're right.
Don’t tell them what they “need to” or “should” do. Statements like "You need to let go" or "You can't keep doing this" often trigger shame and defensiveness, as if they're doing something wrong or are incompetent in figuring out their own life.
Don’t repeat the same advice every few weeks hoping it will finally land. It won’t. It will likely make them angry and resentful. Say it once, clearly and respectfully, and then let it be their decision. Don’t try to force them into something they don’t want or aren’t ready to do. And no, their reasons don’t matter.
Don’t make their choices about you. Comments like “I can’t watch you do this anymore”, “I keep giving you advice but you won’t take it”, or “If you won't help yourself, then I don’t want to hear about this again.” can feel like their pain is an inconvenience or that they’re doing something wrong. That’s not support; that’s control. Respect their decisions whether you agree with them or not.
Don’t assume your values are their values. You might do things differently, but that doesn't mean they're wrong. Everyone has different fears, needs, and emotional priorities. Acting like your path is the only obvious path can push them away. Plus, it can make you look arrogant and self-righteous, no matter how well intentioned you are.
Don't be upset if their ability to show up for you or others is limited. It's normal to have less capacity for others when you're struggling to keep your own head above water. Cut them some slack.
A doctor tells his patient that he has a serious heart condition and needs to make some lifestyle changes to prevent heart failure. The patient considers the changes, but they are significant and difficult, and require too much work and sacrifice. He downplays the severity in his mind and instead just tweaks a few minor things. It’s very common for people to dismiss or downplay medical advice.
The doctor began asking his patients questions about their fears or concerns. Patients talked about their fears, their families, the parts of their lives the diagnosis threatened. They talked about why the medical advice was difficult and the sacrifices that felt impossible. The doctor addressed their concerns and met the patients where they were instead of giving them the same generic advice, and the patients felt that the doctor understood their circumstances and hesitations.
When the doctor didn’t listen, patients might think ‘they don’t realize how their advice impacts my life, or the circumstances around making changes.’ But when they felt heard, the advice felt that it was given with consideration for their fears and circumstances. Patients became much more likely to make changes.
The advice didn’t change, the delivery did. It needed to match the reality patients are actually living in, not the one other people think they should be living in.
What Actually Helps Instead
If you want to be someone they can actually turn to, shift away from telling them your answers and support them while they find their own. Small, gentle nudges are ok, but don't prescribe solutions.
Ask before offering advice. “Do you want my thoughts?” or “Can I make a suggestion?” keeps their agency intact. If they say no, respect that. If they say yes, keep your input short and treat it as a suggestion, not a directive.
Stay curious. Ask things like, “What are you hoping will change?” or “What feels hardest right now?” Curiosity shows care and gives them agency. It also helps them think, not defend.
Focus on what’s manageable. Instead of “You need to leave,” try helping them break things down. "What part of the relationship hurts the most?" or "What is one thing that makes you want to stay?" This gives them guidance to stay grounded and sort through things when they may otherwise feel overwhelmed.
Advice that gives them tools rather than solutions can be a good way to go. It doesn’t take away their agency or expect any specific outcome, but it let’s them take small steps towards understanding or healing.
Keeping a log of behaviors, interactions, and feelings is one example. By tracking things over a few months, they may see things they didn’t believe were happening or notice patterns they couldn’t connect before—and this realization will come from their own words.
If they ask for advice, give them your honest advice. Just remember that not following it doesn’t mean they’re ignoring you or being difficult, or that they don’t want your help. It means they’re doing what supports their values or feels manageable in their current emotional state. Support that.
Your job isn’t to make their decisions for them. Your job is to give them a safe place to vent, ramble, cry, or just not feel alone.
4. Set Boundaries So You Don’t Burn Out
Supporting someone through an unhealthy relationship or breakup is rarely a short-term battle. People circle the same fears, tell the same stories, get hung up on the same hopes, and ask the same questions you've already answered numerous times. That's pretty normal—and healthy. When someone is scared, conflicted, or stuck, their mind loops. They’re not being dramatic or difficult; they’re trying to navigate something that feels unbearable.
But you don’t need rigid boundaries just because things are repetitive. Listening to them talk about the same thing 5 times in 10 days isn’t a sign that something is wrong, it’s what the process often looks like. But if you’re getting frustrated with them, it’s better to be honest than to fake being present or pull away.
But a boundary in this context isn’t, “I’m tired of hearing about this,” It’s more like, “I want to be supportive, but I don’t have the bandwidth for this tonight” or “I have a big deadline on Thursday, can we come back to this on Friday?” Let them know you’re not done listening, you just need a break.
You’re also allowed to guide the pace of the conversation. If they’re spiraling or looping in a way that’s overwhelming for you, you can say, “I feel like we're going in circles” or “This sounds like a lot. Can we shift gears for a few minutes?” Boundaries can actually help them regulate, especially if they're stuck in a loop.
The key is asking for a pause rather than shutting down the conversation. They will most likely be understanding, even if that means talking about something else for a while.
Setting boundaries isn’t abandoning them. It’ protecting the friendship from unnecessary resentment so you can keep showing up for them in a way that matters.
Supporting someone through an unhealthy relationship is confusing, repetitive, and emotionally unbalanced. The fact that you’re here trying to understand how to show up well already says a lot about the kind of friend you are.
You don’t have to be perfect. Just keep your footing, stay compassionate without losing yourself, and keep the door open in a way that feels honest and sustainable for both of you. That’s what makes your support meaningful and what helps them feel less alone.
You’re doing the work of showing up — and that matters.
Before you go…
I sincerely hope this journey gave you something valuable: clarity, comfort, validation, maybe even a little relief from the confusion. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, raw, or unsure what comes next, that’s okay. You’re doing hard things. Really hard things.
If and when you want to keep going, UNRAVEL has more to offer. The Foundations are the building blocks, they explain the underlying mechanics of relationship behavior. The Models & Frameworks show how those mechanics create and reinforce the patterns people get stuck in.
The information is in a slightly more academic tone, as these pages take on a more educational perspective…but still in clear, relatable language. You won’t find any 7 syllable words or sciencey jargon here.
I’d also love to hear your story. If you feel like sharing, you’re more than welcome to do so here. Your experience matters.
Thank you for trusting me to guide you. I wish you a lifetime of healthier, happier relationships.
Every relationship is unique, and emotional harm doesn’t always follow the same patterns. What you’ve read here reflects common dynamics, but it’s not a diagnosis. I hope something resonated, but please know this isn’t therapy or psychological, medical, or legal advice. It’s here to offer clarity, not conclusions.