Why Do I Feel This Way?

When you’re confused, you try and try and can never figure out what’s really happening. That’s because the confusion is the manipulation.

When you can’t figure out where things are or what just happened, you start to think you’re missing something. Your self-trust and self-worth start to erode, and it happens so slowly you won’t even notice.

If you’re never really sure where you stand, it's hard to draw a line. Hard to know what to expect. Hard to push back on anything.

When you’re confused, your partner can play whichever side benefits them most in any given moment. That doesn’t mean it’s intentional, but it makes it easy to keep moving the goal posts.

Confusion isn’t about is it this? or is it that? It’s about keeping you guessing. Keeping you unstable.

When you’re constantly confused and can’t find an answer - that’s your answer.

Am I crazy? / Am I the problem?
If you’re asking this, you’re probably not the problem. The people who are being harmful or manipulative, whether the intend to or not, usually don’t want to look too closely at their behavior. When you’ve repeatedly been told you’re overreacting, too sensitive, or always the one at fault, you start to wonder if it’s true. This is one version of being conditioned to blame yourself for their behavior.

*Note: That doesn’t mean you don’t play a role in it - we all do. You can read more about that here.

Why do I feel like everything is my fault?
When you’re upset and they turn it back on you, you start defending yourself. The conversation shifts and you’re not talking about what they did wrong anymore. This not only shifts the blame, but it gets you into a defensive argument you’ll never win. Over time you get conditioned to the point you’re apologizing for your own hurt feelings before they even push back, or you’ve stopped bringing them up at all. They wore you down, and now they won’t have to be accountable for the ways they’ll continue to hurt you.

Why do I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells?
Because you know what’s coming, but you never know when or why. Something that set them off yesterday is just an eye roll today. When you never know how they’re going to react, you’re always nervous, trying to avoid a fight. For them, it means they get comfort and peace without having to change anything, meanwhile you’re changing everything without getting any comfort or peace. When you walk on eggshells, you make their life easier. But here’s the catch - they’re still going to find reasons to fight, because fighting is what keeps you afraid, keeps you quiet, and keeps the status quo.

Why does this feel so much harder than it seems for other people?
Probably because it is. Your nervous system makes your relationship decisions for you, and it learned how to navigate relationships very young. Your nervous system wiring dictates how you react, what feels safe, whether or not you self-sabotage, and who you choose to be with. Sadly, some people have healthy nervous systems that steer them well, while others do not. It’s not weakness or failure, it’s physiology.

*Note: You know what your relationship looks like in public versus what it looks like behind closed doors. Don’t assume that everyone around you who appears healthy and happy is. More people experience this than you might think.

Why don't I feel safe?
Because there’s a good chance you’re not. Emotional safety is knowing you can express feelings, confront problems, and manage conflict without being attacked, blamed, or shamed. It’s knowing that even if you fight, your partner isn’t going to make you feel worthless. It’s mutual trust and mutual accountability. If you don’t feel safe to be open and honest without backlash, then you’re not safe. Full stop.

How can I love someone who treats me this way?
Because your nervous system and brain are telling you two different things. Your nervous system was programmed in childhood and runs on emotion, memory, and attachment. It likely bonded to your partner quickly, in the beginning when things felt good. At the same time, your brain knows something is wrong. It recognizes the harm and understands logically that this isn't okay. But your nervous system doesn't care about logic. It cares about attachment. So even though you know intellectually that the relationship is harming you, your nervous system largely ignores your brain and clings to the attachment. When the two are in conflict, the nervous system almost always wins even though the brain is usually more accurate. The truth rarely stands a chance against feelings.

Why do I keep going back even when I know it's bad?
Because knowing and doing are very different things. If knowing something was enough to create change, we’d all eat healthy, exercise 4x a week, and spend our money wisely. Yet many of us do none of those things. Your nervous system runs like an autopilot and was trained by how you navigated your earliest relationships. It generates our thoughts, feelings, believes, and reactions in milliseconds, long before our brain even knows what just happened. The brain may have to do mental gymnastics to support whatever choice the nervous system made. This feels like conscious choice but it’s really unconscious rationalization of the emotional decision.

How do I get them to treat me better?
You don’t. This may not be what you want to hear, but you cannot fix or change them. You can only fix or change yourself. You can’t love them into treating you better. Loving them harder teaches them that the worse they treat you, the harder you’ll work to earn their love and approval. They’re not going to change if treating you bad has mad you work harder to please them.