Rules, Ultimatums, and Boundaries for Dummies

When someone sets a boundary and wonders why it keeps failing, it’s usually one of two reasons. Either they never set an actual boundary, or they didn’t uphold it by following through.

Rules and ultimatums often get confused as boundaries, but they are actually very different, and this difference matters.

Rules and ultimatums are an attempt to dictate what someone else can or cannot do.
Boundaries are statements of what you will do in response to someone else's behavior.

For example:
Rule: Stop raising your voice with me.
Ultimatum: Stop raising your voice or I'm leaving.
Boundary: If you continue to raise your voice, I'm going to leave.

The first two demand that the other person to stop yelling. It requires a specific behavior from them. The last one does not ask anything of the them, it instead focuses on your behavior. It’s an “if, then” statement that tells them what you will do based on their behavior.

If you’re waiting on their behavior to change, you haven’t set a boundary.

Ultimatums and boundaries can get a little confusing, as they seem to be communicating the same thing to accomplish the same outcome. But that’s actually not the case. 

An ultimatum is a threat that’s been disguised as a boundary. It doesn’t communicating a decision about your behavior, it’s an attempt to control theirs by attaching punishment to it. 
Boundaries tell them the cost of their behavior, then let them decide for themselves. 

But they only work if you follow through. If you uphold your boundary this week but back down from it next week, it’s not a real boundary.

Think of it like this: 

A rule says "Do what I say." 
An ultimatum says "Do what I say, or else." 
A boundary says "Do whatever you want, but here’s what it will cost you."