Let’s clarify something here. Rules and ultimatums get mistaken for boundaries all the time. Someone sets a boundary and wonder why it keeps failing. It’s usually 1 of 2 reasons. Either you never set an actual boundary, or you didn’t uphold it by following through.
Let’s go through what they are:
Rules and ultimatum are an attempt to dictate what someone else can or can't do.
Boundaries are statements of what you will do in response to someone else's behavior.
For example:
Rule: Stop raising your voice with me.
Ultimatum: Stop raising your voice or I'm leaving.
Boundary: If you continue to raise your voice, I'm going to leave.
Notice the subtle difference between who the actor is in each one. The first 2 require the other person to act. The last one requires you to act.
Ultimatums and boundaries often look the same and seemingly communicate the same outcome. It might seem confusing but hear me out.
An ultimatum is a threat disguised as a boundary. You're not informing them of what you will do, you're attempting to control the outcome by telling them what punishment they'll receive if they don't comply.
A boundary is not an attempt to control anything, it simply tells them what will happen if they do/don't do XYZ.
Think of it like this:
A rule says "Do what I say."
An ultimatum says "Do what I say, or else."
A boundary says "Do whatever you want, but your choices have consequences."
