Relationships feel intuitive. Your emotions feel real. And you trust your instincts.
But relationships and emotions are anything but intuitive. Your feelings are real but they aren’t always true. And instincts are often based on bad wiring.
Most of us assume we’ll recognize unhealthy dynamics when we see them. If something is wrong, it’ll feel wrong. If someone is manipulating us, we’ll know. If a relationship is unhealthy, the problems will show.
Unfortunately, that’s not how any of this works.
The nervous system prioritizes survival. It doesn't care about love, joy, or happiness—it cares that you stay alive. This makes the nervous system incredibly good at convincing you that confusing situations make sense, harmful dynamics are normal, and genuine love is dangerous. And you will believe whatever it tells you.
I’m here to explain how all of this actually works.
Why I’m Writing This
I have an MA in Psychology and have studied relationship dynamics for more than 10 years. I see so much information being spread on social media that is misleading, oversimplified, or downright wrong.
Most relationship advice focuses on identifying red flags, communicating your feelings, or offering quick advice about what you “should” do. Those can be useful, but more often, they’re not. It doesn’t matter how well you communicate your feelings if you’re misinterpreting them.
If you don’t understand what your feelings are actually telling you, you may find yourself repeating the same patterns and ending up in the exact situations you were trying to avoid.
And for the record, it does not matter how smart you are. Your nervous system is smarter.
A Note About My Voice
A lot of the material I write about comes across best when written in a clean, buttoned up tone. Personally, I prefer a little irreverence and a bit of levity. But when writing about things like relationship harm, trauma, and grief, those don’t always land well.
This means my writing style and tone may shift at times. Posts from my UNRAVEL Unfiltered series tend to be sharper and more direct. They may hit a little closer to home, because sometimes the clearest way to say something isn’t necessarily the most gentle.
What will remain consistent, however, is my lack of moral framing. I explain what is happening, how, why, and the harm it can cause. But I focus on the behavior, not what it may or may not say about the person.
There are no heroes or villains in my work.
